Change

Wow. You know, I knew this would happen. I am just terrible at writing somewhere on a consistent basis. But I really enjoy writing, so I don't understand why. I try to write notes on Facebook as often as possible but it's really hard lately because a lot of what I have to say is stuff about people that will probably read the note so I can't say it. Causing more drama in my life is that last thing I need right now. And I doubt that any of them follow this blog since I don't write in it anymore, so I feel safe saying things here. I don't even know if anyone besides me reads this. What really gets to me about all of this is I have so much going on in my life and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't want to burden other people with my problems because either they don't care, or they have problems of their own already and don't want to have to deal with mine too. So here it goes.

A lot has changed in my life since I last wrote anything here [go figure] and most of that is because of one person.

The last time I posted a blog I was:
a) very happy at school
b) not feeling the need to go home
c) not worried about friendships fading

Today I am:
a) moderately happy at school, and trying to fix it
b) itching to go home
c) worried about losing friends, both here and at home
d) in love

Honestly, that last one is the most important change in my life and the reason for wanting to go home and not being as happy at school. Don't get me wrong, I love this school. I like my classes, even love some of them. I like the campus and I love that I'm living in a suite as a sophomore. But he's not here. He's home. I hate that being in love has made other things in my life less great, but it's totally worth it. He make me so happy. More happy than I can begin to describe.

It all started in June. I was on Facebook one day and I just felt the urge to start a chat with Andre. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I have known Andre since 5th grade and our relationship throughout grade school can only be described as weird. I had a crush on him from 5th grade until 9th grade, and he didn't make it a secret that he liked me too. There were several times when he asked me out but something always got in the way. And I'm honestly glad it did. If we had dated in high school it would have been a disaster, I know that. We were both very different people back then and it would not have worked in the slightest. We stopped talking around 10th grade and barely saw each other, but I still thought about him. I distinctly remember the first day of senior year when I was walking around the halls with my boyfriend of the time, we walked past Andre and I thought he looked jealous. I loved the thought that he was jealous but I didn't actually believe it. There was no way he could still like me after all that time. So back to last summer, we started talking near the end of June. I had very recently decided that I was officially over the high school relationship I mentioned above, and he was dating a girl going on a year and a half. We started texting, he wanted to hang out, and then he and his girlfriend were broken up. I genuinely felt bad for him. He had been so happy and then he... wasn't. We decided to hang out on July 8th and really hit it off. I started to wonder if maybe he still had feelings for me. And I started to fall for him again. So we started dating on July 10th. Yes, it was fast, but I would only be around for another 2 months before school started. We decided that we would date for the summer and then end it because long distance was not a favorable option. It took about a week and a half for us to realize we didn't want to only date for the summer. September came, and I left for Maine. I don't know how we made it through that first month, but we're still together, going on 7 months. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to have a long distance relationship with anyone else because I'm not exactly the easiest person to tolerate. Granted, I have gotten a lot better. We've both made changes to make things easier. There are times when I look at the relationship and think how surreal it is. I can't believe that I am dating my elementary school sweetheart. How many people get to say that? To say the least, he makes me happy. Happier than anything else. It's... indescribable.

I can't believe I just wrote a whole paragraph about Andre, haha. But I guess I need to put it out there because being in love has significantly changed my life and it is going to effect [affect?] what and how I write on here.

So I came back to school and wanted to make some new friends. Don't get me wrong, I like my old friends, but I don't feel like I fit in with them. The only problem is that everyone else already has their group from last year so removing myself from my group caused some... problems. We are all still nice to each other and friendly but we don't hang out. And the thing that really gets to me is even if I hadn't pulled away from them, we still wouldn't hang out. Because they don't care.

The BIGGEST thing I have learned from going to college 1000 miles away from home is that if someone isn't willing to make the effort to stay in touch with me, they aren't worth my time. I have lost a few friends from home and friends from here that way, but I'm better off.

So I was dealing with trying to find new friends, having new roommates, harder classes, and a long distance relationship. Ouch. That's a lot. I'm not sure how I managed all of it but I did for the most part. I didn't exactly get along with my new roommate, but I am friends with my suitemates. Fortunately, my roommate transferred back to her old school, making things less stressful for me. I know that sounds really terrible, but I was way more stressed because of her. Just having to share a room with someone who has a different sleep schedule is stressful because I'm a rather light sleeper. Also, we did not get along for the most part. There are other things I could mention, but it's water under the bridge and I don't want to think about it anymore.

My attempt at making new friends didn't work out so well, mostly because I was busy with classes and I would rather spend my evening video chatting with Andre than hanging out with people I hardly know. My fault, I know. I did make one new friend that is particularly note-worthy, because I almost threw everything away for him. But you really can't blame me. I hadn't seen Andre in 2 and 1/2 months and suddenly there was this guy who lived right down the hall, and always wanted to spend time with me, and is sweet and funny, and liked me! And I wanted to be his friend because he made me feel good about myself. Being wanted is one of the best feelings there is. I knew I would regret making any rash decisions though, so I went home for Thanksgiving and tried to figure out how I felt about things. Thanksgiving break was so great and I came back feeling renewed, but not wanting to go through another 3 weeks without Andre. I started to push away my new friend because I didn't want to do something stupid. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it was a brilliant idea, but I hurt him by pushing him away. I needed to push him away for my sake. It was a lose-lose situation. I made it through the last weeks of the semester and finals, and I told him before I left that I can't be his friend if he has a crush on me. It's selfish, but I can't. Winter break was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for with Andre and more. And now I've been back at school for a little over a week and I've found myself pushing him away still. I don't know why, but I am. I have actually been busy and trying not to get sick, but I feel guilty every time I tell him no. And I know he's going to get sick of it soon because he wants to hang out and we still haven't. I guess there's a part of me that's afraid he's not over me, because I don't know how to deal with that. I will have to shut him out, but that will hurt him.

Also, I've been in contact with my ex. In addition to breaking my heart the summer after senior year, he also screwed me over last summer. Ironically, it took him showing how much of an ass he really was for me to finally get over him, but I just don't get why he did it. So I sent him a Facebook message. I asked how he was and he responded by telling me a bit about what he's been up to and that he has an "amazing" girlfriend. I'm happy for him, although I've realized that I could not care less about whether he's happy or not. But I took the opportunity to respond with the fact that I'm in an amazing relationship and let him know just how happy I am, despite his absence in my life. He hasn't responded. I don't know if he will. I really don't care if he does, even though I still want to know why he felt the need to screw me over last summer. I don't want to keep trying if he doesn't answer because it will only cause problems for me. Yes, Andre knows we're talking and he's not thrilled, but he's supportive. And as soon as I know what I want to know, I'm done. I don't want him in my life, regardless of what we once had.

I guess that's the update on my life right now. Like I said, a lot has changed since last year. I'll end this post now because I've been working on this for over an hour. I'll try to write tomorrow or this weekend, I hope I'm in the mood. Thanks for reading.