Alright so this is gonna be a short post because today was a waste of a day. I woke up earlier than I wanted to, I don't know why I can't sleep in anymore... ugh. But anyway, I woke up and then waited and waited around for Molly and Rachel to get up because I knew Kaitlin and Nicole wouldn't go with me. We went around noon and got back around 12:45... I think. I went on Facebook and then I started playing Plants vs Zombies. I just love that game. In fact, I love it so much that I played it for 4 hours this afternoon. When I stopped it was 5 and time for dinner! Oy... So we went to dinner and it was chicken nugget night, which made me happy but it was super unhealthy. I'm trying to be more careful about what I eat. Trying being the key word. So then I came back and decided I needed to get homework done. I read the chapter for human development so that was good and then Nick came over and we hung out and I tried to write my English paper but totally failed at it. So then Andre called and I kicked Nick out. Andre apologized several times but he didn't sound quite right. I don't know what it was. He said he was tired and in a bad mood from work, but I feel like there was something more to it. So we talked for a few minutes and I explained my side of the story and he just kept apologizing. I think it's more about not wanting to fight than wanting to be right. I feel the same way, but this just really got to me. So let's hope that doesn't happen again. I gave up on homework after that and went back to PvZ [sad, I know] and now it's getting late but I don't know what to do. I could watch some Grey's, or a movie, or go to bed. I know if i watch a movie I won't finish it, but I don't feel like watching Grey's. And I don't want to go to bed quite yet because Andre said we would talk again tonight and I haven't heard from him again. That's all for now. Goodnight.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Year 2, Semester 2, Week 1
Alright so when I said yesterday that being in love would taint how and what I write here, I didn't realize it would happen so fast. It is definitely on my mind now.
This week sucked. I hate to be a Debby Downer and I'm not even sure I want to commit the crap of this week to text, but I need to vent and that's what this blog is for. Hopefully it will make me feel better.
My week pretty much consisted of lots of little things and a few big things that wouldn't be so bad alone, but since they all occurred together it just kept adding up.
My klutz-factor seems to have increased significantly this week. I shut my thumb in my closet door on Sunday, pinched my finger between 2 chairs on Tuesday, opened my bedroom door into my toe last night, and then burned my finger on my straightener 15 minutes later. Like I said, a lot of little things. But they all really hurt, especially burning myself. I burn myself all the time on my straightener, but this was the worst it's ever been. There's a nice little mark on my right index finger right on the knuckle. I'm hoping it doesn't blister, but I think having a scar would be kind of cool. It's like when I was in Bonaire two summers ago and I got stung by a jellyfish. It made the coolest mark and I was actually disappointed that it didn't leave a scar. Then again, a jellyfish sting scar is way cooler than a hair straightener burn scar. I'm just weird.
So now for the big things that happened. On Monday I was woken up from my nap by this shooting pain in my stomach. It was really bad, to the point that nothing made the pain go away. I went to class and then the health center and they basically determined it was because of the grilled cheese I ate at lunch. I'm not convinced. When I have symptoms from dairy they appear much faster. Then I had to walk all the way back to South in a freezing hurricane. And that's only a slight exaggeration. It was windy and cold and pouring rain like I've never seen. By the time I got to my room I was totally soaked, it even soaked through my winter jacket so my shirt underneath was drenched.
Tuesday was a good day. I didn't feel quite up to par health-wise [I still don't], but it was a good day until that night. I guess it was technically Wednesday morning because it was 12:20 am. Andre called to inform me that Emily [his sister] has made it official that she doesn't like me. Her claim is that I treat Andre badly. Now I'm expecting her to try to break us up. Surprisingly, it didn't phase me that much. I know it will blow over. She's totally bipolar, and goes back and forth between loving and hating me every few weeks so she'll change her mind soon. The real reason behind all of this is that she really wants to be my friend but thinks that I need to make all the effort. That's not how I operate. Anyone who knows me knows that I won't continue a relationship that is completely one-sided. Granted, I haven't really made much of an effort, but it's because I know she won't make one even if I do. Plus, I really didn't make an effort to talk to anyone from home last semester except Andre. My bad. So she's mad that we're not friends and is handling it by trying to remove me from Andre's life so I'm out of her life. I don't get it. Did it even occur to her to try talking to me? I've only been back at school for a week and a half. But I'll send her a Facebook message sometime next week just to give her an update about my life so hopefully it will blow over faster. As much as it bothers me, I've let it go. I really don't care what she thinks about me. I know she doesn't have the guts to say or do anything to my face so I just don't care.
Wednesday was not too bad. I had been up late on the phone with Andre so I was feeling more sick than before, but it wasn't terrible. I'm trying to think of what happened on Wednesday, and I can hardly even remember so it must not have been so bad.
Thursday was... long. I had class from 8 to 11 then lab from 11:30 to 1:45. My sore throat came back around 1, so when I got back to the room I showered, then fell asleep watching Mission Impossible 3. It was nice, but didn't make me feel much better. Andre was hanging out with his nephew all night and he doesn't like to talk to me when he's with his friends because he thinks it's rude to text around other people. I knew he would be hanging out with Lam and [of course] I wanted to talk but I figured it wouldn't really happen. We had an extensive discussion about whether we would talk or not, and it was decided that we would. I hate asking him to talk to me when he's busy because I know he doesn't want to and I don't want to be a burden. So I made it clear that I only wanted to talk if he did. He said he did. And I know that he only said it to avoid a fight because we usually fight when he's to busy for me. I've actually gotten a lot better with it, but I'm not anywhere near perfect. So we talked and it was good. It wasn't exciting or anything. It's not like we had a super serious discussion because I knew he was with Lam and I didn't want to start something that would cause me to get frustrated by his delayed answers. I eventually fell asleep and must have woken up in the middle of the night to text him, but I don't remember it. All I remember is see a text he sent that said "so I was thinking about tonight and maybe some rules about how we start taking things..." WHAT??
I'm still slightly paranoid about his sister influencing our relationship, because they do live in the same house, so this text really freaked me out. I sent him a text before class this morning asking what he meant and he never answered so I called him after my nap. I honestly don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew he was yelling at me. Apparently, the fact that last night went really well in terms of talking reminded him of the fact that it has never gone well and he was pissed. At least, that was the first argument. How do you respond to someone when they reinforce your bad behavior? I was so confused that I really didn't have anything to say. I kept asking him why he was yelling at me when last night went well. Then his argument switched to the fact that last night didn't go well. Apparently the fact that we didn't have an important conversation means that talking was pointless. He told me I was selfish for wanting to talk to him all the time. Of course I was crying like a baby. I hate it when he yells at me. He doesn't do it that much so when he does it's because he's really mad. And it kills me every time. I knew I had pushed him past some line that I didn't even know existed because he said something along the lines of he can't handle talking to me all the time, or he needs a break sometimes, or something like that. Not good. So by the end of the conversation I didn't have anything else to say. I said at least twice that we don't have to talk anymore when he's with friends if that's what makes him happy and all he did was keep yelling at me. So I finally said that I had to go because I had my NURDS meeting in 25 min and I was a total wreck. It takes me a while to compose myself after he and I fight. So he hung up on me. It was kind of like the cherry on top of my terrible-week-sundae. Fantastic. So I went to my meeting, and then to lab. Lab was fun, and I like my group, but it's going to be a lot of work. That's what I get for taking a 300 level biology class during sophomore year. When I got out of lab there was a text from Andre that said "I'm sorry about this morning. I didn't want to yell at you but I did. I was mad because of our conversation last night." WELL DUH!! Thank you, Captain Obvious. I tried calling him, but there was no answer. Now it's his turn.
I know things will work out. They always do. And this is one of those issues where it's just so stupid that breaking up over it is ridiculous. I am sure that in a few years when Andre and I are living together and happier, I will regret writing all of this down because now I will be able to remember it with excellent clarity. Oh well. I need to get it out of my system and I really don't have anyone to talk to. I can talk to Erika, but there's a part of me that is convinced that she doesn't really want to hear it. I don't know. I just don't. Now I'm going to dinner with Nick because it will make him happy. Maybe I'll watch Grey's tonight and have a good cry.
Thanks for reading.
This week sucked. I hate to be a Debby Downer and I'm not even sure I want to commit the crap of this week to text, but I need to vent and that's what this blog is for. Hopefully it will make me feel better.
My week pretty much consisted of lots of little things and a few big things that wouldn't be so bad alone, but since they all occurred together it just kept adding up.
My klutz-factor seems to have increased significantly this week. I shut my thumb in my closet door on Sunday, pinched my finger between 2 chairs on Tuesday, opened my bedroom door into my toe last night, and then burned my finger on my straightener 15 minutes later. Like I said, a lot of little things. But they all really hurt, especially burning myself. I burn myself all the time on my straightener, but this was the worst it's ever been. There's a nice little mark on my right index finger right on the knuckle. I'm hoping it doesn't blister, but I think having a scar would be kind of cool. It's like when I was in Bonaire two summers ago and I got stung by a jellyfish. It made the coolest mark and I was actually disappointed that it didn't leave a scar. Then again, a jellyfish sting scar is way cooler than a hair straightener burn scar. I'm just weird.
So now for the big things that happened. On Monday I was woken up from my nap by this shooting pain in my stomach. It was really bad, to the point that nothing made the pain go away. I went to class and then the health center and they basically determined it was because of the grilled cheese I ate at lunch. I'm not convinced. When I have symptoms from dairy they appear much faster. Then I had to walk all the way back to South in a freezing hurricane. And that's only a slight exaggeration. It was windy and cold and pouring rain like I've never seen. By the time I got to my room I was totally soaked, it even soaked through my winter jacket so my shirt underneath was drenched.
Tuesday was a good day. I didn't feel quite up to par health-wise [I still don't], but it was a good day until that night. I guess it was technically Wednesday morning because it was 12:20 am. Andre called to inform me that Emily [his sister] has made it official that she doesn't like me. Her claim is that I treat Andre badly. Now I'm expecting her to try to break us up. Surprisingly, it didn't phase me that much. I know it will blow over. She's totally bipolar, and goes back and forth between loving and hating me every few weeks so she'll change her mind soon. The real reason behind all of this is that she really wants to be my friend but thinks that I need to make all the effort. That's not how I operate. Anyone who knows me knows that I won't continue a relationship that is completely one-sided. Granted, I haven't really made much of an effort, but it's because I know she won't make one even if I do. Plus, I really didn't make an effort to talk to anyone from home last semester except Andre. My bad. So she's mad that we're not friends and is handling it by trying to remove me from Andre's life so I'm out of her life. I don't get it. Did it even occur to her to try talking to me? I've only been back at school for a week and a half. But I'll send her a Facebook message sometime next week just to give her an update about my life so hopefully it will blow over faster. As much as it bothers me, I've let it go. I really don't care what she thinks about me. I know she doesn't have the guts to say or do anything to my face so I just don't care.
Wednesday was not too bad. I had been up late on the phone with Andre so I was feeling more sick than before, but it wasn't terrible. I'm trying to think of what happened on Wednesday, and I can hardly even remember so it must not have been so bad.
Thursday was... long. I had class from 8 to 11 then lab from 11:30 to 1:45. My sore throat came back around 1, so when I got back to the room I showered, then fell asleep watching Mission Impossible 3. It was nice, but didn't make me feel much better. Andre was hanging out with his nephew all night and he doesn't like to talk to me when he's with his friends because he thinks it's rude to text around other people. I knew he would be hanging out with Lam and [of course] I wanted to talk but I figured it wouldn't really happen. We had an extensive discussion about whether we would talk or not, and it was decided that we would. I hate asking him to talk to me when he's busy because I know he doesn't want to and I don't want to be a burden. So I made it clear that I only wanted to talk if he did. He said he did. And I know that he only said it to avoid a fight because we usually fight when he's to busy for me. I've actually gotten a lot better with it, but I'm not anywhere near perfect. So we talked and it was good. It wasn't exciting or anything. It's not like we had a super serious discussion because I knew he was with Lam and I didn't want to start something that would cause me to get frustrated by his delayed answers. I eventually fell asleep and must have woken up in the middle of the night to text him, but I don't remember it. All I remember is see a text he sent that said "so I was thinking about tonight and maybe some rules about how we start taking things..." WHAT??
I'm still slightly paranoid about his sister influencing our relationship, because they do live in the same house, so this text really freaked me out. I sent him a text before class this morning asking what he meant and he never answered so I called him after my nap. I honestly don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew he was yelling at me. Apparently, the fact that last night went really well in terms of talking reminded him of the fact that it has never gone well and he was pissed. At least, that was the first argument. How do you respond to someone when they reinforce your bad behavior? I was so confused that I really didn't have anything to say. I kept asking him why he was yelling at me when last night went well. Then his argument switched to the fact that last night didn't go well. Apparently the fact that we didn't have an important conversation means that talking was pointless. He told me I was selfish for wanting to talk to him all the time. Of course I was crying like a baby. I hate it when he yells at me. He doesn't do it that much so when he does it's because he's really mad. And it kills me every time. I knew I had pushed him past some line that I didn't even know existed because he said something along the lines of he can't handle talking to me all the time, or he needs a break sometimes, or something like that. Not good. So by the end of the conversation I didn't have anything else to say. I said at least twice that we don't have to talk anymore when he's with friends if that's what makes him happy and all he did was keep yelling at me. So I finally said that I had to go because I had my NURDS meeting in 25 min and I was a total wreck. It takes me a while to compose myself after he and I fight. So he hung up on me. It was kind of like the cherry on top of my terrible-week-sundae. Fantastic. So I went to my meeting, and then to lab. Lab was fun, and I like my group, but it's going to be a lot of work. That's what I get for taking a 300 level biology class during sophomore year. When I got out of lab there was a text from Andre that said "I'm sorry about this morning. I didn't want to yell at you but I did. I was mad because of our conversation last night." WELL DUH!! Thank you, Captain Obvious. I tried calling him, but there was no answer. Now it's his turn.
I know things will work out. They always do. And this is one of those issues where it's just so stupid that breaking up over it is ridiculous. I am sure that in a few years when Andre and I are living together and happier, I will regret writing all of this down because now I will be able to remember it with excellent clarity. Oh well. I need to get it out of my system and I really don't have anyone to talk to. I can talk to Erika, but there's a part of me that is convinced that she doesn't really want to hear it. I don't know. I just don't. Now I'm going to dinner with Nick because it will make him happy. Maybe I'll watch Grey's tonight and have a good cry.
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Change
Wow. You know, I knew this would happen. I am just terrible at writing somewhere on a consistent basis. But I really enjoy writing, so I don't understand why. I try to write notes on Facebook as often as possible but it's really hard lately because a lot of what I have to say is stuff about people that will probably read the note so I can't say it. Causing more drama in my life is that last thing I need right now. And I doubt that any of them follow this blog since I don't write in it anymore, so I feel safe saying things here. I don't even know if anyone besides me reads this. What really gets to me about all of this is I have so much going on in my life and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't want to burden other people with my problems because either they don't care, or they have problems of their own already and don't want to have to deal with mine too. So here it goes.
A lot has changed in my life since I last wrote anything here [go figure] and most of that is because of one person.
The last time I posted a blog I was:
a) very happy at school
b) not feeling the need to go home
c) not worried about friendships fading
Today I am:
a) moderately happy at school, and trying to fix it
b) itching to go home
c) worried about losing friends, both here and at home
d) in love
Honestly, that last one is the most important change in my life and the reason for wanting to go home and not being as happy at school. Don't get me wrong, I love this school. I like my classes, even love some of them. I like the campus and I love that I'm living in a suite as a sophomore. But he's not here. He's home. I hate that being in love has made other things in my life less great, but it's totally worth it. He make me so happy. More happy than I can begin to describe.
It all started in June. I was on Facebook one day and I just felt the urge to start a chat with Andre. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I have known Andre since 5th grade and our relationship throughout grade school can only be described as weird. I had a crush on him from 5th grade until 9th grade, and he didn't make it a secret that he liked me too. There were several times when he asked me out but something always got in the way. And I'm honestly glad it did. If we had dated in high school it would have been a disaster, I know that. We were both very different people back then and it would not have worked in the slightest. We stopped talking around 10th grade and barely saw each other, but I still thought about him. I distinctly remember the first day of senior year when I was walking around the halls with my boyfriend of the time, we walked past Andre and I thought he looked jealous. I loved the thought that he was jealous but I didn't actually believe it. There was no way he could still like me after all that time. So back to last summer, we started talking near the end of June. I had very recently decided that I was officially over the high school relationship I mentioned above, and he was dating a girl going on a year and a half. We started texting, he wanted to hang out, and then he and his girlfriend were broken up. I genuinely felt bad for him. He had been so happy and then he... wasn't. We decided to hang out on July 8th and really hit it off. I started to wonder if maybe he still had feelings for me. And I started to fall for him again. So we started dating on July 10th. Yes, it was fast, but I would only be around for another 2 months before school started. We decided that we would date for the summer and then end it because long distance was not a favorable option. It took about a week and a half for us to realize we didn't want to only date for the summer. September came, and I left for Maine. I don't know how we made it through that first month, but we're still together, going on 7 months. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to have a long distance relationship with anyone else because I'm not exactly the easiest person to tolerate. Granted, I have gotten a lot better. We've both made changes to make things easier. There are times when I look at the relationship and think how surreal it is. I can't believe that I am dating my elementary school sweetheart. How many people get to say that? To say the least, he makes me happy. Happier than anything else. It's... indescribable.
I can't believe I just wrote a whole paragraph about Andre, haha. But I guess I need to put it out there because being in love has significantly changed my life and it is going to effect [affect?] what and how I write on here.
So I came back to school and wanted to make some new friends. Don't get me wrong, I like my old friends, but I don't feel like I fit in with them. The only problem is that everyone else already has their group from last year so removing myself from my group caused some... problems. We are all still nice to each other and friendly but we don't hang out. And the thing that really gets to me is even if I hadn't pulled away from them, we still wouldn't hang out. Because they don't care.
The BIGGEST thing I have learned from going to college 1000 miles away from home is that if someone isn't willing to make the effort to stay in touch with me, they aren't worth my time. I have lost a few friends from home and friends from here that way, but I'm better off.
So I was dealing with trying to find new friends, having new roommates, harder classes, and a long distance relationship. Ouch. That's a lot. I'm not sure how I managed all of it but I did for the most part. I didn't exactly get along with my new roommate, but I am friends with my suitemates. Fortunately, my roommate transferred back to her old school, making things less stressful for me. I know that sounds really terrible, but I was way more stressed because of her. Just having to share a room with someone who has a different sleep schedule is stressful because I'm a rather light sleeper. Also, we did not get along for the most part. There are other things I could mention, but it's water under the bridge and I don't want to think about it anymore.
My attempt at making new friends didn't work out so well, mostly because I was busy with classes and I would rather spend my evening video chatting with Andre than hanging out with people I hardly know. My fault, I know. I did make one new friend that is particularly note-worthy, because I almost threw everything away for him. But you really can't blame me. I hadn't seen Andre in 2 and 1/2 months and suddenly there was this guy who lived right down the hall, and always wanted to spend time with me, and is sweet and funny, and liked me! And I wanted to be his friend because he made me feel good about myself. Being wanted is one of the best feelings there is. I knew I would regret making any rash decisions though, so I went home for Thanksgiving and tried to figure out how I felt about things. Thanksgiving break was so great and I came back feeling renewed, but not wanting to go through another 3 weeks without Andre. I started to push away my new friend because I didn't want to do something stupid. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it was a brilliant idea, but I hurt him by pushing him away. I needed to push him away for my sake. It was a lose-lose situation. I made it through the last weeks of the semester and finals, and I told him before I left that I can't be his friend if he has a crush on me. It's selfish, but I can't. Winter break was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for with Andre and more. And now I've been back at school for a little over a week and I've found myself pushing him away still. I don't know why, but I am. I have actually been busy and trying not to get sick, but I feel guilty every time I tell him no. And I know he's going to get sick of it soon because he wants to hang out and we still haven't. I guess there's a part of me that's afraid he's not over me, because I don't know how to deal with that. I will have to shut him out, but that will hurt him.
Also, I've been in contact with my ex. In addition to breaking my heart the summer after senior year, he also screwed me over last summer. Ironically, it took him showing how much of an ass he really was for me to finally get over him, but I just don't get why he did it. So I sent him a Facebook message. I asked how he was and he responded by telling me a bit about what he's been up to and that he has an "amazing" girlfriend. I'm happy for him, although I've realized that I could not care less about whether he's happy or not. But I took the opportunity to respond with the fact that I'm in an amazing relationship and let him know just how happy I am, despite his absence in my life. He hasn't responded. I don't know if he will. I really don't care if he does, even though I still want to know why he felt the need to screw me over last summer. I don't want to keep trying if he doesn't answer because it will only cause problems for me. Yes, Andre knows we're talking and he's not thrilled, but he's supportive. And as soon as I know what I want to know, I'm done. I don't want him in my life, regardless of what we once had.
I guess that's the update on my life right now. Like I said, a lot has changed since last year. I'll end this post now because I've been working on this for over an hour. I'll try to write tomorrow or this weekend, I hope I'm in the mood. Thanks for reading.
A lot has changed in my life since I last wrote anything here [go figure] and most of that is because of one person.
The last time I posted a blog I was:
a) very happy at school
b) not feeling the need to go home
c) not worried about friendships fading
Today I am:
a) moderately happy at school, and trying to fix it
b) itching to go home
c) worried about losing friends, both here and at home
d) in love
Honestly, that last one is the most important change in my life and the reason for wanting to go home and not being as happy at school. Don't get me wrong, I love this school. I like my classes, even love some of them. I like the campus and I love that I'm living in a suite as a sophomore. But he's not here. He's home. I hate that being in love has made other things in my life less great, but it's totally worth it. He make me so happy. More happy than I can begin to describe.
It all started in June. I was on Facebook one day and I just felt the urge to start a chat with Andre. I don't know why I did it, but I did. I have known Andre since 5th grade and our relationship throughout grade school can only be described as weird. I had a crush on him from 5th grade until 9th grade, and he didn't make it a secret that he liked me too. There were several times when he asked me out but something always got in the way. And I'm honestly glad it did. If we had dated in high school it would have been a disaster, I know that. We were both very different people back then and it would not have worked in the slightest. We stopped talking around 10th grade and barely saw each other, but I still thought about him. I distinctly remember the first day of senior year when I was walking around the halls with my boyfriend of the time, we walked past Andre and I thought he looked jealous. I loved the thought that he was jealous but I didn't actually believe it. There was no way he could still like me after all that time. So back to last summer, we started talking near the end of June. I had very recently decided that I was officially over the high school relationship I mentioned above, and he was dating a girl going on a year and a half. We started texting, he wanted to hang out, and then he and his girlfriend were broken up. I genuinely felt bad for him. He had been so happy and then he... wasn't. We decided to hang out on July 8th and really hit it off. I started to wonder if maybe he still had feelings for me. And I started to fall for him again. So we started dating on July 10th. Yes, it was fast, but I would only be around for another 2 months before school started. We decided that we would date for the summer and then end it because long distance was not a favorable option. It took about a week and a half for us to realize we didn't want to only date for the summer. September came, and I left for Maine. I don't know how we made it through that first month, but we're still together, going on 7 months. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to have a long distance relationship with anyone else because I'm not exactly the easiest person to tolerate. Granted, I have gotten a lot better. We've both made changes to make things easier. There are times when I look at the relationship and think how surreal it is. I can't believe that I am dating my elementary school sweetheart. How many people get to say that? To say the least, he makes me happy. Happier than anything else. It's... indescribable.
I can't believe I just wrote a whole paragraph about Andre, haha. But I guess I need to put it out there because being in love has significantly changed my life and it is going to effect [affect?] what and how I write on here.
So I came back to school and wanted to make some new friends. Don't get me wrong, I like my old friends, but I don't feel like I fit in with them. The only problem is that everyone else already has their group from last year so removing myself from my group caused some... problems. We are all still nice to each other and friendly but we don't hang out. And the thing that really gets to me is even if I hadn't pulled away from them, we still wouldn't hang out. Because they don't care.
The BIGGEST thing I have learned from going to college 1000 miles away from home is that if someone isn't willing to make the effort to stay in touch with me, they aren't worth my time. I have lost a few friends from home and friends from here that way, but I'm better off.
So I was dealing with trying to find new friends, having new roommates, harder classes, and a long distance relationship. Ouch. That's a lot. I'm not sure how I managed all of it but I did for the most part. I didn't exactly get along with my new roommate, but I am friends with my suitemates. Fortunately, my roommate transferred back to her old school, making things less stressful for me. I know that sounds really terrible, but I was way more stressed because of her. Just having to share a room with someone who has a different sleep schedule is stressful because I'm a rather light sleeper. Also, we did not get along for the most part. There are other things I could mention, but it's water under the bridge and I don't want to think about it anymore.
My attempt at making new friends didn't work out so well, mostly because I was busy with classes and I would rather spend my evening video chatting with Andre than hanging out with people I hardly know. My fault, I know. I did make one new friend that is particularly note-worthy, because I almost threw everything away for him. But you really can't blame me. I hadn't seen Andre in 2 and 1/2 months and suddenly there was this guy who lived right down the hall, and always wanted to spend time with me, and is sweet and funny, and liked me! And I wanted to be his friend because he made me feel good about myself. Being wanted is one of the best feelings there is. I knew I would regret making any rash decisions though, so I went home for Thanksgiving and tried to figure out how I felt about things. Thanksgiving break was so great and I came back feeling renewed, but not wanting to go through another 3 weeks without Andre. I started to push away my new friend because I didn't want to do something stupid. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe it was a brilliant idea, but I hurt him by pushing him away. I needed to push him away for my sake. It was a lose-lose situation. I made it through the last weeks of the semester and finals, and I told him before I left that I can't be his friend if he has a crush on me. It's selfish, but I can't. Winter break was amazing. It was everything I could have asked for with Andre and more. And now I've been back at school for a little over a week and I've found myself pushing him away still. I don't know why, but I am. I have actually been busy and trying not to get sick, but I feel guilty every time I tell him no. And I know he's going to get sick of it soon because he wants to hang out and we still haven't. I guess there's a part of me that's afraid he's not over me, because I don't know how to deal with that. I will have to shut him out, but that will hurt him.
Also, I've been in contact with my ex. In addition to breaking my heart the summer after senior year, he also screwed me over last summer. Ironically, it took him showing how much of an ass he really was for me to finally get over him, but I just don't get why he did it. So I sent him a Facebook message. I asked how he was and he responded by telling me a bit about what he's been up to and that he has an "amazing" girlfriend. I'm happy for him, although I've realized that I could not care less about whether he's happy or not. But I took the opportunity to respond with the fact that I'm in an amazing relationship and let him know just how happy I am, despite his absence in my life. He hasn't responded. I don't know if he will. I really don't care if he does, even though I still want to know why he felt the need to screw me over last summer. I don't want to keep trying if he doesn't answer because it will only cause problems for me. Yes, Andre knows we're talking and he's not thrilled, but he's supportive. And as soon as I know what I want to know, I'm done. I don't want him in my life, regardless of what we once had.
I guess that's the update on my life right now. Like I said, a lot has changed since last year. I'll end this post now because I've been working on this for over an hour. I'll try to write tomorrow or this weekend, I hope I'm in the mood. Thanks for reading.
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