Happiness

I find it quite sad that this even warrants being written down, but it has been confusing me for the past day and a half. I am inexplicably happy, and I have been since yesterday morning. I have no good reason to be happy, especially today, as I feel like death [I think I'm getting sick]. The only explanation that I can think of for this mood is my new outlook on life.

I had a fabulous spring break last week. I got to go home, and see my family and friends. I visited two of my closest friends at their colleges from Sunday to Tuesday of break, then spent the rest of the week home. I got to spend time with my mom, but not so much time that she drove me crazy. Overall, it was probably the best spring break I have ever had. One night, I gained significant insight into one of my good friend's thoughts, and I have to say that I was shocked. I thought I had him all figured out, and I was so wrong, I don't even know how I messed up so badly. How did I interpret his actions so completely wrong? Well, I actually know how; I didn't. Confused yet? Because I was too. Long story short, I didn't really read anything wrong but simply because said friend is a guy, his feelings don't always play into his actions. I find that strange, but then again, I can't do anything if it doesn't mean something to me.

So anyway, after this revelation, I realized that I want to be different. I really shouldn't be concerned with what people are thinking of me, or what's going to happen this summer. I have been endlessly worried about what the summer will bring [job-wise, relationship-wise, friend-wise], but now I can just let it go. Nothing is going to happen without my consent, and I know what I'm doing, so I'm not worried. Everything happens for a reason, and in the end it will all be OK, no matter what. I needed to start living in the moment, not worrying about the future. I used to think I did live in the moment, but now I know that I was certainly not.

I have started talking to people I lost touch with. Whether it was them or me ending our contact, I reached out. And I must say that I am pleased with the results. So pleased, that I am going to continue working on it. I mean, so what if we had a falling out in high school? I'm past it, and at one point, we were good friends so there must be something between us. I want to leave the past in the past and do things the way I want to. We'll see where it goes from here, but I am optimistic.

I have also been planning my classes for next semester lately, and it's quite exciting. Despite the fact that organic chemistry will probably be the death of me, I'll be OK [yes, I know that doesn't actually work]. And once I get through next semester, I don't have to worry about it anymore. It has also made me think a bit about my future. I still have no idea what I want to do for a living, but I know what I love, and I'm sure I can make it work.

So I guess the point of this is that things are looking good. I hate saying that, because something bad usually happens soon after, but I don't think that will happen this time. I have changed, and I know I can deal with whatever comes my way because I am strong and I have amazing friends and family that support me completely.


You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?

- Never Gonna Be Alone by Nickelback


A little heartache goes a long way
Guess this is what love is all about
I missed on Monday, a terrible Tuesday
Maybe someday I can work it out
But here we go again, it's finally sinking in

That's just my kind of luck
But I'm not givin' up
I don't know what I'm thinkin'
She got over me
That's no way to look
When you start addin' up
I guess I must be dreamin'
She got over me
Whoa I'm over this feelin'

Yes I'll admit it's hard to handle it
I stood my ground, anything goes now
You don't ever let it get me down
Maybe someday I can work it out
But here we go again
Whoa it's finally sinkin' in

-She Got Over Me by Saving Abel

Inspiration

I have found over the past few years that writing is extremely therapeutic for me. Whenever I am able to write my feelings down, I feel better. When I was little I tried many times to keep a diary, but just couldn't write in it consistently. So now I'm going to try to write here on a regular basis, maybe I will be less stressed.

The idea of blogging never really occurred to me until yesterday when I was reading Mae's blog. It is the inspiration for this.

Where to start? I guess I'll start with today. It's been pretty stressful for me today. It started off well, but then I got some bad news about housing next year and it spiraled downward from there. It makes me wonder why some people are so close-minded. It also reminded me of my insecurity for talking with people when it will cause a conflict. I am so bad at dealing with conflicts in person. As much as I hate fighting via any sort of technology, when it comes time to bring up an issue, I just can't seem to do it. Why is that? I really wish I knew.

There are so many things I want to talk about that I don't even know where to start. I am already feeling somewhat better since I know that I have this new place to write. There are a few things I need to do before I can really explain the vast complication that is my life. I'll have to elaborate more on that later.



Can somebody save me?
Cause I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece
Then you got your reasons
But I didn’t need them
And either way I’m on my knees yeah
You knew when I was wrong
You say that I’m deranged
I can see that you’re uneasy and its not gonna change
And no matter how far

Wherever you go I’m crawling
Either way you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

-Fallin' Apart by The All-American Rejects